Welcome to Episode 15: Confessions of a Greenaholic. I am Bernard Robert Green. People always wonder why I chose the name Barney Green and didn't wrestle as Robert Green or Barney Roberts. I chose Barney Green to be remembered because people talk about the joke behind the name and there isn't one.
I remember when I was 21 and started pounding back shot after shot having fun. I am 29 and still doing the same thing. I have won many titles. The GCW UnEmploycore Championship. The VWF Hardcore Championship. Two Time XWF X-Treme Champion. I even won the WWG Pure Pride Championship. Slowly moving up the ranks.
I'm going into this match as the guy that people didn't expect to make it. Whether it was my lack of class or manners. I don't even know. All I know is I got fired from the VWF because I ate The Viking Kings sandwich. He should have marked it. Oh well. As the saying goes, "Mark your damn food when Green is around." I might eat it. It was a pastrami and cheese sandwich with spicy mustard. It tasted pretty good.
GCW closed down due to lack of interest. It was 6 men trying to live their dreams but dreams only get you so far and don't pay my bills. It was a fun place to hone my craft and where I fought against Foley Anderson. He put me over in his retirement match and I will never forget that. I will never let him down for what he gave me. A chance to build my career by being known as the man who beat Foley in his final match.
I step into No Remorse as the weakest link. Literally. I tore my meniscus in my left knee and I he am suffering from kidney stones right now. I tried to get time off but Gabriel Tizo said I would never get enough shot at the WWG Championship. Thats fine. I can deal with the pain in my knee but I will be having surgery the day before No Remorse to get the kidney stones removed. Walking is a bit of a problem but as Shawn Thornton once said, “Nobody really says anything, which means you’re doing a good job. You only get talked to when you’re not doing a good job- I’ll continue hopefully not getting talked-to.” I don't think that is the right quote I wanted but we will move on from that.
My style of wrestling has led me to numerous injuries. The alochol really numbs the pain. I was born to win and to drink whiskey and I am all out of whiskey so that means its time to drop the gloves. Time to fight. Time to prove why I am Barney Green. Why I am the Hardcore American.
I may be in a decent amount of pain. Every so often, waves of pain spread through my body lasting a good thirty or so minutes. Each time it happens, I just start singing "You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon. That song usually calms me down a bit.
Kidney stones are caused when calcium builds up in your body and can't leave. The two stones won't pass so I have to have surgery. They are going to cut open my back and I may be in a lot of pain when I step into the ring but I figure they will give me a painkiller subscription. Mix that with some Southern Comfort and I will be good to go.
You see, I always have bad luck with the ladies. They don't like when they realize I am not a rich man. They expecte me to pay for their meal when I date. That and I am not exactly big down there. Lets just say my flip phone is probably bigger by at least an inch. Thats terrible but the alcohol numbs the pain.
My favorite pizza is chocolate sauce, sausage, and jelly beans. It takes awhile to get used to but you gotta improvise like the time I ran out of food in my house and had to improvise with pizza crust, sausage, and jelly beans. Try living my life for a day and you would be crazy.
I love to party. What can I say. I am the guy that bought twenty lottery tickets and didn't win a single one. I was hoping I could pull it out by using all Bruins numbers. As the Iron Sheik once said, "Fucking bullshit!" Maybe it was the fact that I used the same numbers or something. Oh well. Time to crack open another bottle of Southern Comfort.
My life fucking sucks and I am amazed I get up in the morning and live it. Maybe because the alcohol numbs the world around me. One more night, I will go out and people will get to meet the real Green Dream. Woo Woo Woo! Maybe I should start using bro in my vocabulary more and I will get noticed. The only difference is I am not some stupid Jersey Shore wannabe that talks with a fake Brooklyn accent to get noticed.
Woo Woo Woo! You Blow It! Thats all I gotta say about that. You see, People don't think I have the ability to go the distance. To Step up so they don't all count me out. Its time for me to prove the critics wrong that call me a useless fat fuck.
I came here to make an impact. Make a difference and I feel I have done that. The blood that has dripped down my face. The left knee that I have injured numerous times. three concussions.
Many more times, I will step into the ring and use my belt to win if I have to.
Good night, ladies and gentlemen.
The scene opens up in Greens apartment and we see Green wearing black khakis and a black shirt with a limegreen WWG logo on his shirt. Jeff Night is sitting next to him wearing a white leisure suit. Jeff goes to speak.
Jeff: How you feeling today, Barn?
Barney: Have had better days. My knee is practically fucked up and these kidney stones fucking suck.
Jeff: Thats what happens when you eat asbestos.
Barney: How was I to know I wasn't supposed to eat it?
Jeff: You ever see it in stores?
Barney: No.
Jeff: Alright then.
Barney goes to get up and trips and breaks the coffee table.
Barney: I blame Pat Sajak for that one.
Green gets up and dusts himself off. He walks towards the kitchen and grabs a bottle of Southern Comfort. He opens it and reaches for a shot glass. He pours a shot and then places it in the fridge. He takes a huge swig from the bottle.
Barney: Wanted to save some for the next person who wants some.
Jeff: You are the only one who drinks Southern Comfort.
Green reaches into the fridge and downs the shot.
Barney: Problem solved then. Heh.
Green finishes the bottle of Southern Comfort and throws it in the trash.
Barney: Time for my interview I guess.
Green staggers out the door drunk and climbs into the Night Mobile. He starts it up and drives off as the scene fades to black.
The scene opens inside a radio station. We see Green sitting next to Toucher and Rich.
Rich: Welcome back to the Toucher and Rich Show on The Sports Hub 98.5. Right now, we have a special guest on our show. He is slowly making a name for himself in WWG. He is Barney Green.
Barney: Hi guys.
Toucher: So Barney, what made you decide to become a wrestler.
Barney: I needed some quick cash and Foley Anderson decided to take me under his wing. The rest is history. Great person to learn under.
Rich: From what we have heard, you are a fan of the Boston Bruins. Is that true?
Barney: You better believe it. Black and Gold until the day I die.
Toucher: Do you think the Bruins will take the Stanley Cup home to Boston? /font>
Barney: Yes. As long as Tim Thomas keeps standing on his head, we will be good to go.
Toucher: And to think last year, it was all about Tuukka Rask.
Barney: Rask did a good job last year no doubt.
Rich: It seems you are causing quite a buzz in WWG as of late. Any reason why you weren't booked on Legacy?
Barney: Well, you see.. I injured my knee. I chipped the bone during my match with Jason Richardson. That and I am currently suffering from a bad case of kidney stones. I figure some old Johnnie Walker will take care of the pain and numb it. I am having surgery to remove the stones because of the pain I have been in.
Toucher: You think you will be at 100% for No Remorse?
Barney: Honestly, I think I will be fine and able to wrestle my match. Either way, I am taking the WWG Championship home.
Rich: Thanks for stopping by, Barney.
Barney: Its been fun guys.
The scene fades to black.
The scene opens up inside a gym and we see Barney Green, who is wearing a pair of black shorts with a limegreen stripe on the side and a black shirt with a limegreen WWG logo on it, getting ready to start training. Jeff Night, who is wearing a red tanktop with white jogging pants, starts to talk to him.
Jeff: You are not driving my car again. I don't care if I get incapicitated. You nearly killed us getting here.
Barney: You know how long its been since I have beeen in an accident?
Jeff: I don't want to hear that. Lets get started. I want you to start punching that punching bag for a good minute. Ready? Go!
Green starts to punch the bag with the ferocity of a meerkat. The bag is hardly moving.
Jeff: You call that a punch? Come on, you punch like a little girl. Hit Harder, you fat bastard!
Green starts hitting the bag harder and harder. He starts sweating badly. he goes to hit the bag and misses and the bag hits him knocking him over.
Jeff: Come on, Barney. You can do better than that.
Green gets back up and reaches into his pocket for a flask. He opens it and takes a swig.
Jeff: Now we can practice some running on this treadmill. I am going to put it at level 5 with an 5% inclination for 10 minutes. You should be able to do it.
Green pockets the flask and steps on the treadmill. Jeff starts it and Green starts running on it. The sweats starts pouring off of him.
Jeff: Come on, you fat bastard! Don't give up just yet, fat ass.
Green, his face turning red, starts to run faster and faster. The timer is at 5:53. 4:35 and Green is starting to slow down. Trying to keep up but he goes sliding off with 2:23 left. He gets up and dusts himself off.
Barney: I wish I could stay but I have to help the neighbors install a sink. Bye!
Green takes off running as Jeff screams for him to get his "fat ass" back here. The scene fades to black.
Shoot time with Barney Green.
Synn Deville was so shallow she couldn't handle losing her belt to the sexy beast that is myself. She killed herself to get out of it. I pissed on her grave.
The scene opens up at Synn Devilles grave. Green is standing next to it and unzips his pants. He reveals his tiny penis and takes a nice long piss on it.
The scene fades to black.
If anybody has a problem with that, its cool. I don't care. I have no respect for that cunt. I may be a fat drunk but I know a cunt when I see one and she was one.
The blood pouring down my sweat. The sweat mixing with it. The agony my body will be in. At this point, I don't care. Its gonna be peanuts compared to winning the belt. I will hold it high and let the fans invade the ring to celebrate with me. I will overcome the odds against me. I'm going out in style for this match. I will enter the match with my head held high. I am not scared one bit. Pain is temporary but glory is forever. I'm going to reach a different level after this match if I win. I will only defend the belt in hardcore matches. Filled with whiskey, I am a fat drunken idiot. The Green Dream strikes again with a bottle of smoke. Fuck you, Synn Deville.
Spend ten years in this business and learn it in and out. Then you will be at my level. Yeah! I am prepared to rock the system right down to its core. The Pogues, Dropkick Murphys, Flogging Molly, The Dubliners, and The Young Dubliners fill my ears as I get ready to fight and win this match for Foley Anderson. Show he didn't make a mistake in letting me win.
Once "The Rocky Road To Dublin" hits, It will be very unlucky for you. A fighter never quits and I don't plan on it. You can bet on it. I will walk out with the WWG Championship hanging off my shoulder. My spirit has never been stronger. I will fight for my life. As the saying goes, "A Quitter never wins." I trained in the basement of Foley Andersons house. Dealt with a lot of pain. The headline will read, "The Kid From Boston Raises Hell."
Black and Gold never quits and neither does Barney Green. I just roll with the punches and keep going. My mindset is in the mode to win and I will win. A new era of Greenitude is coming to WWG. Free whiskey for everyone and a chance at my belt. I will take on all comers.
Scott Carr. Da Big Rig. I have no problem with you but I am taking the belt home for the first time in my career. We crossed paths in VWF a few times but I was just an opener in 2007. You were top dog and I respect you for that. The first ever man to win the Tag Belts by yourself. Its 2011 now and you are still chugging along. This time, I am the main eventer representing Boston. I will make you tap with the Green Dream.
Jason Richardson. You earned your way into this match and I respect you for the fact that you didn't pull a Synn and kill yourself. Otherwise, I can't stand you. You talk a load of crap and I am going to drop you like a fly. I sting like a butterfly and float like a bee.
I step into the ring as Barney Green one more time and I think I can handle the problems. All that I have are memories running through my head. My first title win when I won the Barely Legal Las Vegas Championship in Barely Legal Wrestling
Association. I beat Porter MacLeod. Much respect for that guy even though I held the belt for one week.
I battled my way to the top in GCW by beating The Crusher in a match to capture the GCW UnEmploycore Championship. A pink plastic belt. The Crusher got fired. I battled my way to the midcard scene but the place closed. Was a fun place to hone my skill and learn how to wrestle.
VWF. I was the Hardcore Champion twice. Fought Malik Logan numerous times for that damn belt. Him and Alanzo The Great. Much respect for him though. I also hold a victory over Crimson Lightening which is actually quite funny.
XWF. Two Time X-Treme Champion and local drunk extradonaire. I caused damage to the property and wound up working for free for a whole year. I didn't get paid but I kept going along. I beat "Big Tyme" Zach Rizza. Much respect for the man. He didn't belong in that division at all. Held many more titles.
WWG.. One Time Pure Pride Champion. Beat Alex Anders for the belt. An enigma of unknown power. Much respect for him as a competitior even though he has gone on a downward spiral.
I'm coming home. Home to WWG. I'm gonna stand tall and wear my Cam Neely Jersey. I have worked my ass off to get to this level. I'm going out in style. Win or lose. Black and Gold will never quit! The heart and soul I will leave in the ring just to get the WWG Championship around my waist. I will not let the fans down. I promise.
When I die, you can soak me down with whiskey and spread my ashes all about. Take the urn to the TD Garden and dump the sucker out.
I am going to prove for once in my lifetime that I am confident enough to walk out of No Remorse wearing the gold around my waist. Confident enough to buy shots for everyone after i win.