Scene: Green Mansion
People: Barney Green, Jerry Jensen, and Foley Anderson
Time: 8:16PM
Date: August 29, 2008
:::We are still talking in the mansion..:::
Foley: Have you seem the things that Lunatic has said?
Barney: Yes i have but you know what.. He thinks he is a pirate, baby. What kind of delusional nutjob am i facing? I think i should order a time machine so i can bring another part of my plan into affect. I am gonna invest in it. Get on the phone with Blammo.. I also wanna order Log.
Jerry: Fine...Hold on a sec. Let me get you the phone.
Barney: Thanks, baby.
:::Jerry hands me the belt.:::
Barney: Hello? I wanna order a Time Machine and Log. Charge in to my Amex.. Account number.. 45gfrewa-damn-561243. Okay.. I want express shipping. When will it be here? Tomorrow.
:::I hang up the phone.:::
Jerry: You must be crazy. A Time Machine? How much did you just piss away?
Barney: About $15,000 dollars..
Foley: Wow.. That's a lot of money.
Barney: yeah... Money Matters thats what i say, baby.
Jerry: Holy shit! Thats a big waste of money.
Barney: I have probably spent more in a week. Where do i begin on my opponents? Kevin Jewert.. I learned a lot about him from Ryou Bakari Itemri. He ended Ryou's career which was a good thing. Jewert, remember, you cant end my career. I can buy myself any type of replacement from a hip replacement to a lung transplant. You cant kill me because Money Matters bitch. I thought about and there will some Jailhouse Rock in there, baby as i knock your teeth in. On to Sam Hain. Who are you again? You are the main jobber on Massacre and you lose every week. You should quit. I am better than you. You see that. I can afford to blow $15,000 on a Time Machine and Log. The toy that is wood. Its better than bad, Its good. Also, Hawaiian HardHead can't even match to me. He is no more than a wannabe pro wrestler. He cant even make up his mind who he is. He can't decide if he wants to win or lose because you see him win against somebody like say, Grappling Gary and then lose the next week to Chasm. It makes no sense. He is confused about something. He is doing it wrong. You are supposed to win consistenly not win one week and lose the next. People like him make my job easier because he is easy pickings because he is not gonna do much, baby. You are dealing the coolest man you will ever meet, baby. Shadow Warrior, learn to speak correctly because i dont under half the promos you say. I think i might mail you a dictionary to figure out how to speak correctly. Armageddon X, Scott Young, and QC Thug, why were you three put in this match. You are gonna bring nothing to this. You should really stick to your league and thats people like Justin Kade and Kyle Michaels. X, you talked about rising up and what have you done? Jack squat. Scott Young, i heard what a great legend you were supposed to be.. If you are a legend then i am a Power Ranger. Dont have that ability so its false. QC Thug, you are just quite frankly a wannagee.. You aren't even considered a G.. You were probably the type that would hang out at the projects until it got dark than you would run to your regular home, baby.
Jerry: Why do they fill the match with no-namers? I have a feeling one of the jobbers is gonna be fired. The XWF is full of nobodies on Impact. The only true talent there is You, and i hate to say it, Kevin Jewert.
Foley: Its a damn shame because they let nobodies show up and they lose right away. This is not a 9 to 5 job, a 6 to 2 job. Its real. You gotta be on your guard or else you will lose and job out. Another person i see leaving soon is Chasm. He is about as good as Kyle Michaels is.
Barney: Chasm is nothing like Kyle Michaels. He is more of a Mungbean. He tries and fails because he doesn't put the effort in. Lets see what can i say? Lunatic, i saw your promo. Talking dogs? You really must be crazy, baby. How does that tie into wrestling? You cut a promo using talking dogs? I dont know. Makes me wanna drink. In fact, i am getting a bottle of Rolling Rock.
:::I walk into the kitchen and open the fridge and grab a bottle of Rolling Rock and head back into the living room. I open the bottle and take a swig.:::
Barney: That felt good. Now onto Sam Hain, he is nothing to me. He actually deserves to be on Impact because he is nobody. I have faced scarier monsters in Battletoads. Battletoads!!! Makes me pretty angry. Justin Kade, another no-name talent in this match. He isn't even in my league for crying out loud. I am better than he ever will be. He shows what Impact really is. Nothing but jobbers except for myself and Kevin Jewert. Shadow Warrior cant even speak good english to understand properly. I really need to hire a translator or something. Roxy Nova, this is a man's match not a woman's match. Go back to facing Mia Sanchez, Marisol Hawkes, and Monica Vixen. You don't belong here. I am a man and you should be cleaning my dishes. You cant deny that. The only way i will consider you a man is if you have an expensive procedure done.
Foley: You better believe that. In my day, women didn't wrestle. They stayed at home and kept the homestead running. Call me old-fashioned but that should still be done today. Back in the 50's, wrestling was different. We didn't have no promo's like this and we wrestled for sixty to ninety minute matches but because todays bunch cant put up with more then 30 minutes, matches are now limited. I, Foley Anderson, seriously believe thats the truth because people will start boring chants.
Jerry: I dont really remember much of the fifties now the seventies i remember well. Women were valets and thats it. We never saw them step into the ring. Little people stepped into the ring and made the fans laugh and all.
Barney: Hawaiian HardHead really needs to lose some weight. I know i need to lose weight but he doesn't. You can tell because he spouts out garbage. Just look at that promo. He didn't even insult anybody because he knows I have this match won because i am the future of this company. Kevin Jewert, you can mourn all you want and try to make us feel sorry but thats not gonna work on me. It amazes me at how you try to con our emotions and use them against us. I bet you are lying and trying to get us to feel sorry.
:::I hear a knock at the door and i walk to the door.:::
Barney: Who is it?
Delivery Dude: Special delivery from Blammo.
:::I open the door and take the packages and shut the door.:::
Barney: I got my package. I got log! Yay.. Foley.. Jerry.. You wanna help me set this up in the basement?
Foley and Jerry: Sure.
:::I carry the Time Machine down into the cellar.:::
Barney: Umm...Lets read the instructions. It says to place it down here and connect the cables like so. Connect the green to the red and blue to the yellow and orange to purple. Ahh! That should do it. Flip the switch, Foley.
Foley: Okay.. So you just say a name and it will bring the person here?
Barney: Yes..
Foley: Bill Cosby...
:::I see Bill Cosby appear.:::
Bill: You see jazz is like jello pudding. Its nice and smooth sounding.
Barney: Okay... Can you give me any advice on wrestling?
Bill: You see wrestling is like grape pudding. Its crap.
Barney: Okay.. Any good ideas?
Bill: You see we played stickball back in the old days. Hit one of them with a stick.
Barney: Hold on a sec.. Foley and Jerry, follow me.
:::Foley and Jerry follow me and i talk to them in a corner.:::
Foley: Hmm..
Barney: It says in the manual to push the guy back in and get him out of here.
Jerry: Lets go for it. That guy has a few problems.
Barney: Follow me and throw him back in it.
:::We surround Cosby and throw him back in.:::
Barney: Quick.. Flip that switch.. Good he is gone. You see that we got Sam Hain who cant even match to my level. Impact is where he should be fighting the likes of Justin Kade and Kyle Michaels. There is nothing to him. He makes people like Hawaiian HardHead look good. Speaking of HardHead, i could take a dump right now and it would be worth more than you. In fact, You should have to fight for your job, baby. Scott Young has nothing on the Greenman, baby. Shadow Warrior, do you even realize who you are facing? You aren't even anywhere on my level. If you where, that would be different because that would mean you were actually good in the ring. I have come to the conclusion that Chasm is washed up. Chasm is the Phoenix Champion for a reason. He cant hold a candle to anybody on Massacre or Anarchy. He is like Armageddon X. X, you bring nothing to this. You probably dont realize that you are gonna lose yet so i am gonna tell you right now, you are gonna lose. If you don't like it then pick up your balls and use them for a change instead of being a pussy about everything. The only person that has a pussy is Roxy Nova but i wonder about that. She fights men and plays with women. Thats interesting. You talk about Shadow Warrior accusing you of being a man. I am beginning to agree with him on that because you held the Women's title for a bit and vacated it because it was beneath you. Most women would be happen with that belt because thats all they deserve but not you. You gotta step into a ring full of men. Probably because you are one and are afraid to admit the truth. Go ahead and admit. I see it.. Shadow Warrior sees it.
Jerry: Isn't that a bit cruel to say?
Foley: You wouldn't like if she bad mouthed the fact you have no girlfriend and have a boatload of money..
Barney: Whatever.. Im not worried about anything. Let them talk because im not listening to a damn word anybody says because they mean nothing to me. I am smarter than that. I am better than that. I am the epitome of cool.